The scale just gives a number

I logged in today to discuss my motivation for losing weight and I realized that a little over two years ago was my last blog post on here in which I said I had met I goal for weight loss and no longer chose to be motivated by the scale. Since that time by not being motivated by the scale I lost sight of my weight and gained a lot of it back. Now I'm working on getting back to where I was two years ago hoping that maintaining my motivation not of the scale but of the life I want to live. The scale keeps me focused this time it's not about being a certain number on the scale. I weighed in today with a couple of other members of my gym both of which were at my goal weight  now but have more work to do in their eyes. I see it's not a number on the scale but a comfort with who you are, feeling good in your own skin being comfortable with your reflection. Knowing that there's more to you and what you to see and that reflection understanding what is healthy and what is good what is right for you. I'm not going to say that I've made it by the scale I motivated by the scale as a measurement of how far I've come and how far I have to go.

The things I want from my journey is to feel comfortable in my own skin I want to feel proud of who look like. I want that person to look like how I feel on the inside strong in control with willpower.
I want to be somebody who can agree to any adventure without feeling like questioning "Can I actually do that?" You want to go for a 5 mile bike ride?" Sure I just jump on my bike and go. "Do you want to go for a hike up the Billygoat Trail at Great Falls?" Sure I can just go and not have wobbly ankles and a weak core. I don't want my weakness to limit me I don't want my low stamina to limit me.

I admit I have a certain number in mind that I want to see on the scale but more than that I have a lifestyle in mind that I want to live! I want to be able to choose to do anything I want to do!

Weight Loss Motivation

The moment that triggered my weight lose motivation was when Sary told me she didn’t want to have a big butt like me when she grew up.  She had just watched Peter Pan the original where there is a focus on Tinker Bells thick thighs and how she is jealous of Wendy’s relationship with Peter.  It was an innocent moment but it hit me hard.  I also felt like that was how I must look to her.  She saw me as a Tinker Bell who was not satisfied with herself.

Another moment of realization and motivation was when Sary asked me if when she grew up she would be on all the vitamins I am on.  That was so sad for me to hear because I knew that if I lost weight and I took control of my life I would be able to get off all of my medicines.

I had always thought that my weight was out of my hands.  I had received this message over and over again from my mother as a child.  She would go on these yo yo diets never really committing and finally giving up and saying I guess I will be fat forever.  I had tried to lose weight but it was never instantaneous enough for me.  I would see when I exercised that my arms got more toned and I looked different but it didn’t change anything about how I felt about myself. 

By the time I had my reality check moment with Sary I had skills I didn’t have when I was a teen and had run out of the excuses I had in my 20s.  I was no longer trying to get pregnant and taking hormones and I knew I would never do that again because my family was complete with Sary and Piper.  I knew that I could overcome PCOS because Jillian Michaels has it too and that didn’t make her stay fat.  So it was up to me.  I could not let the negative thoughts in my head lead me down a path where I would be the mom with the shelf of pills to keep her healthy when I knew controlling my diet and exercise would keep me healthier. 

So here I am 40 pounds lighter seeing that I have met my goals of being healthy for my daughters.  Now I have a new motivation.  I have never been shallow enough to be motivated by pants size or a goal weight.  Mostly those numbers demotivated me because I saw them as unobtainable stumbling blocks.  What motivates me know is being healthy and strong enough to do the physical feats that my husband and I can enjoy together.  I am excited about doing runs with him.  I am happy that we can go on Parkour dates.  I am looking forward to hiking this summer. 

I feel that if the motivations must also be internal or they will fade away.  I am motivated by my own dream to hike the Appalachian Trail and my dream of climbing Gallihugh Mountain. (Where the original Sary lived.)  Last week I celebrated as I went for a walk in the snow with Sary and wasn’t too tired to go back and retrieve her lost glove, which I found half way between home and where we turned around on our walk.  I look forward to rewarding myself for my birthday and getting a bike.  I have always enjoyed riding a bike but for a while I was too fat to comfortably sit on a seat and didn’t have the stamina to ride. 

What motivates you?

Insomnia

There is something to be said for being able to go to bed when you want and get up when you want but that doesn't usually happen except for babies, college kids, the unemployed and retired. So why am I still awake at 1:45?

I am one of the lucky people that suffers insomnia when they are stressed. I know I should get a big glass of water swallow some Ativan and put in my night guard and go to sleep but for some reason I sit here clicking away in my phone while I listen to all of my loved ones snore (Literally they are all snoring)

Tomorrow at 10:30 I have to take the dog to the vet. I don't really want to see her blood drawn first of all. I also am a little afraid that they will tell me she is still sick.
I don't know what it is but that pup and I have a convection. I think there was a little bit of me rescued when I rescued her. I want to train her to be a therapy dog but she is my therapy.

I am so sappy. I am a passionate person I don't do anything halfway. I am a 110% person. I give it all to my husband, my kid,s my family, my friends, my church and now this dog.

I hope that this new job will let me give 110%. My current job required that I was away from the house a lot and that didn't meet my work life balanced needs it also wasn't fulfilling challenging work. It is tough to be away from the house staring at a walls because there is a work stoppage on your efforts but you can't bill the client if you stare at your own walks at home but you can bill them for staring at their walls. These are your tax dollars at work.