The scale just gives a number

I logged in today to discuss my motivation for losing weight and I realized that a little over two years ago was my last blog post on here in which I said I had met I goal for weight loss and no longer chose to be motivated by the scale. Since that time by not being motivated by the scale I lost sight of my weight and gained a lot of it back. Now I'm working on getting back to where I was two years ago hoping that maintaining my motivation not of the scale but of the life I want to live. The scale keeps me focused this time it's not about being a certain number on the scale. I weighed in today with a couple of other members of my gym both of which were at my goal weight  now but have more work to do in their eyes. I see it's not a number on the scale but a comfort with who you are, feeling good in your own skin being comfortable with your reflection. Knowing that there's more to you and what you to see and that reflection understanding what is healthy and what is good what is right for you. I'm not going to say that I've made it by the scale I motivated by the scale as a measurement of how far I've come and how far I have to go.

The things I want from my journey is to feel comfortable in my own skin I want to feel proud of who look like. I want that person to look like how I feel on the inside strong in control with willpower.
I want to be somebody who can agree to any adventure without feeling like questioning "Can I actually do that?" You want to go for a 5 mile bike ride?" Sure I just jump on my bike and go. "Do you want to go for a hike up the Billygoat Trail at Great Falls?" Sure I can just go and not have wobbly ankles and a weak core. I don't want my weakness to limit me I don't want my low stamina to limit me.

I admit I have a certain number in mind that I want to see on the scale but more than that I have a lifestyle in mind that I want to live! I want to be able to choose to do anything I want to do!

Weight Loss Motivation

The moment that triggered my weight lose motivation was when Sary told me she didn’t want to have a big butt like me when she grew up.  She had just watched Peter Pan the original where there is a focus on Tinker Bells thick thighs and how she is jealous of Wendy’s relationship with Peter.  It was an innocent moment but it hit me hard.  I also felt like that was how I must look to her.  She saw me as a Tinker Bell who was not satisfied with herself.

Another moment of realization and motivation was when Sary asked me if when she grew up she would be on all the vitamins I am on.  That was so sad for me to hear because I knew that if I lost weight and I took control of my life I would be able to get off all of my medicines.

I had always thought that my weight was out of my hands.  I had received this message over and over again from my mother as a child.  She would go on these yo yo diets never really committing and finally giving up and saying I guess I will be fat forever.  I had tried to lose weight but it was never instantaneous enough for me.  I would see when I exercised that my arms got more toned and I looked different but it didn’t change anything about how I felt about myself. 

By the time I had my reality check moment with Sary I had skills I didn’t have when I was a teen and had run out of the excuses I had in my 20s.  I was no longer trying to get pregnant and taking hormones and I knew I would never do that again because my family was complete with Sary and Piper.  I knew that I could overcome PCOS because Jillian Michaels has it too and that didn’t make her stay fat.  So it was up to me.  I could not let the negative thoughts in my head lead me down a path where I would be the mom with the shelf of pills to keep her healthy when I knew controlling my diet and exercise would keep me healthier. 

So here I am 40 pounds lighter seeing that I have met my goals of being healthy for my daughters.  Now I have a new motivation.  I have never been shallow enough to be motivated by pants size or a goal weight.  Mostly those numbers demotivated me because I saw them as unobtainable stumbling blocks.  What motivates me know is being healthy and strong enough to do the physical feats that my husband and I can enjoy together.  I am excited about doing runs with him.  I am happy that we can go on Parkour dates.  I am looking forward to hiking this summer. 

I feel that if the motivations must also be internal or they will fade away.  I am motivated by my own dream to hike the Appalachian Trail and my dream of climbing Gallihugh Mountain. (Where the original Sary lived.)  Last week I celebrated as I went for a walk in the snow with Sary and wasn’t too tired to go back and retrieve her lost glove, which I found half way between home and where we turned around on our walk.  I look forward to rewarding myself for my birthday and getting a bike.  I have always enjoyed riding a bike but for a while I was too fat to comfortably sit on a seat and didn’t have the stamina to ride. 

What motivates you?

Insomnia

There is something to be said for being able to go to bed when you want and get up when you want but that doesn't usually happen except for babies, college kids, the unemployed and retired. So why am I still awake at 1:45?

I am one of the lucky people that suffers insomnia when they are stressed. I know I should get a big glass of water swallow some Ativan and put in my night guard and go to sleep but for some reason I sit here clicking away in my phone while I listen to all of my loved ones snore (Literally they are all snoring)

Tomorrow at 10:30 I have to take the dog to the vet. I don't really want to see her blood drawn first of all. I also am a little afraid that they will tell me she is still sick.
I don't know what it is but that pup and I have a convection. I think there was a little bit of me rescued when I rescued her. I want to train her to be a therapy dog but she is my therapy.

I am so sappy. I am a passionate person I don't do anything halfway. I am a 110% person. I give it all to my husband, my kid,s my family, my friends, my church and now this dog.

I hope that this new job will let me give 110%. My current job required that I was away from the house a lot and that didn't meet my work life balanced needs it also wasn't fulfilling challenging work. It is tough to be away from the house staring at a walls because there is a work stoppage on your efforts but you can't bill the client if you stare at your own walks at home but you can bill them for staring at their walls. These are your tax dollars at work.

Where'd you find the best cup of coffee (or tea, or wine, or beverage of your choice?)

The best wine we found was at Bureaux Vineyard.

What cracked you up?

Mostly I was cracked up by my girls. I love how Piper is Sary's biggest fan and she cracks up when Sary does.

Most bizarre conversation of your year: script it. Use pseudonyms if necessary.

Me: Taking all my medicines with Sary watching as she brushes her teeth.

Sary: When I am a mommy will I get to take all those vitamins?

Me: I hope not, hopefully just one. (the actual vitamin)

Me: I love your pretty white teeth!

Sary: I love your pretty yellow teeth

(Boom goes the dynamite! No wonder mommies struggle with self esteem.)

What rocked your world, changed your life, and shifted the ground beneath your feet?

(Okay whoever wrote this list expected a lot from any given year didn’t they?!?) 

The most life changing thing for me this year was Jake.  You would think that after 8 years of marriage 1 year of engagement 3 years of dating.  That’s 12 plus years all together, there wouldn’t be much left that he could do that would change me.  He is my world, my life, the ground beneath my feet; how can he shake things up?  It is his solidarity his ability to be there for me “whatever it is” that I need him to be “wherever there is” that I need him to be he amazes me. 

When I ask, “Do you think I can move this mountain?”

He says “Yes there is nothing you can’t do if you put your mind to it.”

When I tell him “I feel like a failure that mountain was too big for me to move.”

He says “That’s okay you made a dent in it, right there.  You might not move it now, but you will someday, when the time is right.  I believe in you!”

He thinks I am smart and beautiful and sexy and wonderful and there is nothing I can’t do.  He is my champion my cheerleader.  Wow that is earth moving.

Who has been you teacher this year officially or unofficially?

I have learned this year.  But I am not sure that I have a teacher.  Would it sound arrogant to say I have been my own teacher?  I have taken motivation from my children and my husband but basically I have just decided to do it.::insert Nike swoosh::  I have decided that I can have the life I want.  I can be fit I can take care of myself.  I can be successful in my career.  I can be the mother I want to be.  This is the year of better.  I decided.  That is it that is all it took.  At the beginning of the year Jake and I changed our mindset to the year of better.  We were over having a sick baby we were over the PTSD we were ready to be better.  With that changed mind set of better I just did.  I was better.

When did you take the easy way?

This is a hard one for me because I am someone who likes to take on a challenge the idea of taking “the easy way” rubs me the wrong way.  I have been working my butt off literally and figuratively this year.  I have not taken the easy why with my weight loss.  I have changed my diet I have exercised I have sweat and cried.  I have worked my butt off at work too I have written winning proposals and I have earned awards and I have commuted all the way around the beltway 4 days a week for 6 months.

Where have I taken the easy way this year? Putting in my resignation may appear as taking the easy way out of the challenge.  Maybe I could have tried to find a different project or a different schedule or one more compromise.  But for me the hard answer was to admit Deloitte is hard and not everyone is up for the challenge.  At this time, though the challenge is appealing, being with my family is more important.  It may look like the easy way to my friends still climbing that ladder but to me it was a very hard decision to give up the prestige and the challenge and return to the other side of the beltway where my babies are reminding me that my own eminence is not the most important thing in life.

What was your favorite blog post?

My favorite blog posts were the two I wrote about my girl, Sary and Piper.

Where did you spend your money?

This is something that is of discussion in our household this time of year every year.  We end up in December with a lot of expenses for Christmas and Birthday parties.  We are in reflective time thinking about how we want to spend our money in the future.  We start planning goals for the next year and we wonder how did we make so much and save so little.  This year was especially hard for my extended family having helped them out impacted our savings a great deal.  Having two girls in daycare was hard on us too. Money is a source of worry for Jake and a source of guilt for me and stress between us.  We have plans to make a new budget in January which will help to account for occasional expenses and cyclical expenses, in addition to the monthly expenses hopefully that will help to ensure savings are saved.

What astonished you?

I had to look up astonished not because I had never heard the word but because when I heard it as a blog prompt it didn’t ring a bell with me.  What has filled me with wonder and amazement this year? When I think of wonder I think of the hearts of children and their indescribable thirst for knowledge and understanding of the world around them.  My children have been the most astonishing thing in my life this year.  Sary has grown up so much in the last year.  Her ability to relate her experiences to conversations is a very cool new development.  I like the way she is seeing connections in the world.  She has the most amazing faith in God that I am so thankful we have brought her up in the church.  She asks me questions that show a sincere desire to know God and Jesus.  Piper’s development over the last year has been astonishing too.  She has developed physical strength, walking, and talking.  She has also developed a better understanding of the world and the dangers of going downstairs and jumping off the furniture.  She understands everything we say and can make her own desires known.  This is my favorite year of being a mommy so far.  I love the sweetness of the cuddles and the fun of the wrestling.

When did you celebrate?

I have mentioned the celebrations we had throughout previous posts.  We celebrated:

1.       Piper’s first birthday at home with friends and family and a snowflake theme

2.       My Birthday in OBX

3.       Easter at the Burkets the girls were surprised with a new playhouse

4.       Jake’s Birthday at Breaux Vineyard

5.       When I lost 20 pounds

6.       When Jake got an unexpected raise

7.       Our anniversary at the Homestead

8.       Completing the Zombie run

9.       When Piper graduated OT

10.   Halloween with a Mermaid and Elmo

11.   When the Townsends announced Katie’s pregnancy

12.   Obama being re-elected

13.   When my brother came to visit from AZ

14.   Thanksgiving with the Burkets

15.   When I got an award at work

What were your favorite songs?

Never been a big music person but this year I realized that it is more a result of being picky than it is not caring.  I am a big fan of Po Girl. I was introduced to Girl in a Coma and Ingrid Michelson this year.  I think my favorite songs for this year are Po Girl “Pink Shoes” and Kiss me in the dark” and Ingrid Michelson “Ghost”.  I did enjoy going to an Ingrid Michelson concert with Marissa this year.

What was the best book you read?

Virtuoso Teams the book is the basis for the Deep Dive methodology that Deloitte uses.  It is an awesome way to facilitate problem solving and strategic planning. Most of the books I read this year were work related or church related.

Where did you visit this year?

I was working really hard at improving my utilization at work so we did not travel as much as normal ths year.  We did go to OBX for holy week/Spring Break with the Bachman’s.  Piper experienced the beach for the first time and my little sensory seeker loved rubbing sand on herself.  Sary acted like she was immune to the cold water.  We saw a beautiful huge double rainbow. During Labor Day weekend we went to Austin Texas to visit GiGi and Uncle Matt.  Uncle Scott and Aunt Lorraine came down to visit while we were there.  Piper enjoyed meeting GiGi. Sary liked seeing the bats fly out from under the bridge.  We visited Williamsburg over Columbus Day weekend we loved going to Busch Gardens and meeting Elmo and friends was good practice for Disney next year.

What was the most delicious meal you ate this year?

This year I have not been focusing on my foodie tendencies because I have been focusing on making healthy lifestyle changes. So I will say that Shakeology is the most delicious meal I have had this year.  I have had Shakeology for breakfast almost every day for three months.  I feel so much healthier now that I am starting my day with a nutritional boost.  I am not trying to be a BeachBody commercial either.  I am just so far away from focusing on food that I can’t even remember a fancy meal I had this year.  I have some memorable meals.  Jake took me to a nice restaurant in OBX for my birthday and the girls were precious. Jake and I went to the Homestead for our anniversary and Jake had to buy pants and borrow a jacket to eat in the dinning room, but the food was meh.  I gained three pounds after a Burket family meal at Olive Garden celebrating an award I got at work.  I enjoyed Thanksgiving because the whole Burket family came together and it was very nice, Sary lead us in singing her “We are Thankful” grace and Piper said Amen.

When you were most grateful?

I was most grateful when Piper graduated from Occupational Therapy.  It has been two years since she was born.  When she was born I was so scared.  The whole world looked strange to me.  I no longer trusted the comfort of my own dreams for my family.  The future was unpredictable.  I was so frightened that she might die or be physically disabled.  She grew stronger every day and came home in March before her due date and was healthy, no malformations, no brain bleeds.  She still had a challenge with coordinating her suck swallow breath but hey she could swallow.

I started her in Early Intervention right away.  She was evaluated in May.  She automatically qualified because she was born so early.  We were assigned an Occupational Therapist.  The first focus was on her suck swallow breath coordination.  It was immediate.  The advice of the OT worked wonders she was able to do it if she wasn’t distracted before the next OT visit two weeks later.

A year later at her evaluation in May we had overcome many obstacles her sensory seeking behavior was normalizing.  Her torticollis was not that bad.  She was walking and learning to talk.  We continued the therapy and added a couple goals around speech.  She had just started Day Care in April and I was not sure how she would adjust.  We had a couple months of slow progress she was sick a lot she was prescribed a preventative nebulizer treatment.  As soon as she was healthy again she burst forth all sorts of new words and abilities.

We worked on her neck and before I knew it when the OT asked me what my concerns were I didn’t have any.  A year and a half after she was born and poof like that, no more concerns.  I said “let’s keep an eye on her neck” so we scheduled our next appointment for two months later. (Not two weeks two months.) We met the OT in October and Piper was doing great. No more OT for now, we did not decline services we are still in early intervention but there are no immediate concerns.  I am so grateful to Lorna and her wonderful skills and patience. I am so grateful to God for his plans.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” New International Version (NIV)

Examen 2012

A blog prompt for every day in December to help me examine the progress I have made in my Heart Mind Body Soul

When were you most grateful?
What was the most delicious meal you ate?
Where did you visit this year?
What was the best book you read?
What were your favorite songs?
When did you celebrate?
What astonished you?
Where did you spend your money?
What was your favorite blog post...that you read or wrote?
When did you take the easy way?
Who has been your teacher this year - officially or unofficially?
What rocked your world, changed your life, shifted the ground beneath your feet?
Most bizarre conversation of your year: script it. Use pseudonyms if necessary.
What cracked you up?
Where'd you find the best cup of coffee (or tea, or wine, or beverage of your choice?)
When did you struggle?
What’s the most whimsical/spontaneous/ridiculous thing you did?
When did you see God at work?
When were you the angriest?
What’s been the best decision you made this year?
Who came into your life in 2012?
What did you learn?
What gifts did you give? What gifts did you receive?
Meme of the year: post a picture.
What did you make?
Where did you spend the most time?
Who surprised you?
What did you give up?
If the year 2012 had a hashtag, what would it be?
Where were you on January 1, 2012?
What’s one thing you’re committing to in 2013?

Llama llama Holiday Drama!!

I have reached the pinnical of holiday insanity this year.  I deserve an award because I got this accomplished before December 1st!  I have been working to get everything done early this year.

I have been mentally going through my check list. 
 Christmas shopping, [check] (except for stockings.)
Sary's birthday party planned, [check]. 
Family Christmas Card [check] (Even though we failed twice to get our family picture taken. I made and cancelled two appointments with Picture People.  One time I made it so close that we even had the dog in the car ready to go.)
Jake is getting into the habit of moving TEOS Henry around each night [check].
PJ for christmas morning [check].
The trip to the cabin is paid for [check]. 
Saurkraut is acquired from MIL [check]
New Years resolutions are rolling around in my head [almost check]. 

With all of these things complete what could be driving me insane you ask.

I just recieved the newsletter from Sary's PreK class!  Reading it made me cry litterally. I cant take it! I can't get ahead! I can't do it all!  ::insert throwing myself on the floor kicking and pounding my fist and you have the picture::

There are 15 school days before Christmas 10 of those days we need to send something into class with Sary. 3 of those days I need to take time off work to attend an event (ballet recital, Christmas party and Christmas breakfast.) I need to buy: new tights, new shoes, a gift for a pal, a supply for a gingerbread house and a dish to share for the holiday meal, some of which I will be supprised with a sign up list later this month so I can't even go ahead and do all the shopping at once.  Oh and I think Sary is out of craft shirts so we should send in a pack of those since they will be painting a gingerbread shirt one day. (Which means that she will probably ruin some of her clothes with t shirt paint again this month and she will have another Tshirt she will refuse to wear except on the day Ms Regina tells her to.)

Oh and lets not forget that suprise they are not only taking the day after Christmas off but also the Day after New Years Day off. In the last week of Dec and the first week of January the center is open for a total of 4 full days and 2 half days.  I think the December days were on the school calendar all year but the January days are news to me.

AHHH I feel better!